So, here I go. This topic has been and will be the hardest thing I've ever written about. I can handle telling people I'm gay. That has no shame attached to it. but, this... It's shameful. To the max.
About a year ago, I went into a gay chat room on aol. Yeah, stupid I know. Dangerous, I know. Although I have a feeling that what actually happened has scarred me worse than what may have happened.
I had talked to a few guys on there before. It felt good to talk to people "like me". IT felt good to have someone, somewhere in the world that knew my, then, deepest, darkest secret. none of them really stick out in my head though. no one, except him.
I met one guy, he told me his name was Zach Jones. He had had a very hard life. At the age of around 12, I think, his mom had put him in a coma because, among other things, he was gay. While he was in this coma, his mom had sperm taken from him, resulting in a child. Tyler.
Despite these things, Zach was every flavor of perfect to me. He could look past outside beauty to see the inside. Also, he was man enough to take care of his son when he woke from his coma. We talked a while before I realized I was "in love".
I was part of an online community called Dragonwood, and it didn't take long for me to rise through the ranks. This took up more of my time, and I began talking to Zach less and less. Add that to the fact that my parents had quit their jobs, and that I hadn't told them yet. I had almost no time to talk to him.
I won't blame them though. The time that I did have to talk to Zach, I didn't. I was afraid to. I had caught the perfect man, and was afraid that now that I couldn't devote my time to him, he would drop me like I was nothing.
Every time I thought about him my heart leaped. From both fear, and from love. I began not talking to him at all. If he couldn't break up with me, we would still be together. Terrible logic, I know.
One day, about six months ago, I got on aol instant messenger. He was on. He began talking to me. It seemed nothing was wrong. I asked him what he had been up to. His response:
" Oh, nothing. I've been hangin out, and stuff. I buried my son."
I broke down. I had dreamed of raising Tyler, and I hadn't even been there for Zach when he needed me. Then another response:
"I lost my job, waiting for you to get on here."
More tears. I couldn't believe how horrible I'd been. Then another:
"Don't worry about me, I plan to kill myself in a couple weeks, on my birthday."
At this point I got angry. Suicide is the easy way out of a problem. I would never love a quitter.
I logged off. I couldn't handle it. It was too much. I emailed him a few times, but got very little back, but I could tell it was still him. But I stopped emailing him altogether.
I still don't know to this day if he really killed himself. I can only assume he did, although he may have not. I hope he didn't. I also still wonder if he just told me Tyler died to hurt me. It's likely, but how can I be sure?
This has weighed heavily on my conscience since that day, over the summer. I buried it, sure. I buried it with every other important thing in my life. I hide my emotions, most of the time. But, if it did happen, I realize I had an extremely large part in making it happen, and no one will ever convince me differently.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
On Coming Out
One of the things that most gay teens both look forward to and dread is their coming out process. There may be a million way to do it, and a million possible outcomes, but either way it's a necessary thing. You can do it person by person, all at once, or just tell people if they ask you.
The first thing about coming out is when you shouldn't do it. First of all, you shouldn't do it during an argument, the anger that person is experiencing may cloud the their emotions about this, and they may seem angry at you for being gay. Second, Do not come out until you are certain you are gay, and you are okay with it yourself. If you're not okay with it, why should the people you love be? Third, it is recommended that you wait until you can support yourself before you come out. This way if you can get an unsatisfactory reaction, you can handle living on your own. I might also add, don't introduce a boyfriend or girlfriend as coming out. There could be some unwanted consequences if you do this. I also recommend that you do not drop it as a bombshell. Don't just randomly say, "guess what mom and dad. I'm gay!" This may surprise them way too much and they may react on instinct, without considering their love for you.
Before you come out you should do a few things. First of all, practice. Come out to a few trusted friends. Get support from them, and ask them for suggestions on telling your parents. Secondly, do some research! Get on the internet and search for coming out ideas, or maybe a support group. Also, find a few organizations for parents of gay teens, so they can find out information if they need it, such as PFLAG. Be ready for any question that they might throw at you, because they'll most likely have a few.
If whoever you come out asks a question like "Why?" or "Are you sure?" answer them honestly. And if you become upset by the questions they ask, don't become overwhelmed with emotion. They most likely just don't understand what you're going through.
If someone has an unsatisfactory reaction to your coming out, it's probably best to just give them space. They'll need some time to realize the implications of what you've told them, but they'll most likely work past them.
This I feel is almost the most important thing of all. If you fear for your safety when telling someone, make sure you have someone there, who knows already, that can protect you.
A lot of teens fear this major event in their lives. To this day I fear the reaction I'll receive from my parents. Yes, that's right I haven't told them yet. But, I have managed to tell many of my friends, and it couldn't have gone better. In fact, I told three of my good friends just yesterday. Everyone I've told so far has been great, and has accepted me for who I am, and I hope the same goes for you.
P.S. I'll insert some possibly helpful links down here to help you out!
PFLAG
OutProud
Coming Out Tips
EmptyClosets.com (a forum for gay teens)
For emptyclosets, I recommend the 'Resources' section, but it's also a great place to just be yourself. :)
The first thing about coming out is when you shouldn't do it. First of all, you shouldn't do it during an argument, the anger that person is experiencing may cloud the their emotions about this, and they may seem angry at you for being gay. Second, Do not come out until you are certain you are gay, and you are okay with it yourself. If you're not okay with it, why should the people you love be? Third, it is recommended that you wait until you can support yourself before you come out. This way if you can get an unsatisfactory reaction, you can handle living on your own. I might also add, don't introduce a boyfriend or girlfriend as coming out. There could be some unwanted consequences if you do this. I also recommend that you do not drop it as a bombshell. Don't just randomly say, "guess what mom and dad. I'm gay!" This may surprise them way too much and they may react on instinct, without considering their love for you.
Before you come out you should do a few things. First of all, practice. Come out to a few trusted friends. Get support from them, and ask them for suggestions on telling your parents. Secondly, do some research! Get on the internet and search for coming out ideas, or maybe a support group. Also, find a few organizations for parents of gay teens, so they can find out information if they need it, such as PFLAG. Be ready for any question that they might throw at you, because they'll most likely have a few.
If whoever you come out asks a question like "Why?" or "Are you sure?" answer them honestly. And if you become upset by the questions they ask, don't become overwhelmed with emotion. They most likely just don't understand what you're going through.
If someone has an unsatisfactory reaction to your coming out, it's probably best to just give them space. They'll need some time to realize the implications of what you've told them, but they'll most likely work past them.
This I feel is almost the most important thing of all. If you fear for your safety when telling someone, make sure you have someone there, who knows already, that can protect you.
A lot of teens fear this major event in their lives. To this day I fear the reaction I'll receive from my parents. Yes, that's right I haven't told them yet. But, I have managed to tell many of my friends, and it couldn't have gone better. In fact, I told three of my good friends just yesterday. Everyone I've told so far has been great, and has accepted me for who I am, and I hope the same goes for you.
P.S. I'll insert some possibly helpful links down here to help you out!
PFLAG
OutProud
Coming Out Tips
EmptyClosets.com (a forum for gay teens)
For emptyclosets, I recommend the 'Resources' section, but it's also a great place to just be yourself. :)
Monday, November 5, 2007
God and Gays
A touchy subject, I know. Gays, and God, can they mix? Well, sorry to disappoint those people out there who in there mind are thinking "No, God hates homosexuals." but guess what, they do. I am gay. I am happy in being gay, and find nothing about myself different other than I like different people than most guys.
I had turned myself away from God for a very long time. I went through three, four, maybe five years of my life knowing I was gay, and thinking God hates me, and so would everyone else in the world when they found out. I hated myself for it, but realized it would never change. I just went through my life, expecting to meet fire and brimstone when I died. But, I would soon change my ways.
At the age of seventeen, the age I am now, I found myself. I got the courage to tell two of my best friends that I had met online that I was gay. My heart pounded. Would they hate me? Would they even want to talk to me? I should have known better. They liked me for me, not anything else. Admittedly, that was a big part of me, but it's just that, a part. Just one small thing that makes up Isaac. I've come out to a few people since then, and I'm proud to say that that includes my step-brother, and my best friend from school.
I began to feel okay with myself. Like I wasn't such a freak of nature. Heck, maybe I was normal. This was when I began searching. If other people could love me, maybe God could too.
First, I searched for facts. I found that 10% of the population is actually gay. Would God condemn one out of every ten of his people? Then I went to the Bible. I found this passage, from
Leviticus, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination". I thought I would die then. I couldn't believe that any God could be like this. Then I found out that this is from the same part of the Bible that says that slavery is okay, and that divorce is a crime.
Then I began to think about church. It didn't take me long to realize what the church thought. Gays are an abomination to them. But, I don't believe they are speaking the word of God. I think they are using the audience, there to listen to God's word, to meet their own selfish ends.
So then, finally, I decided if I couldn't trust the church to find God, and the Bible was too outdated to help me, that the only place I could look was within me. I did just that, and in the silence within me, something hit me, a phrase, it seemed like someone screamed it in my ear. It was loud, louder than a lot of things I've heard throughout my life. It said "God is love". Then it hit me, if God is love, he can not hate. God forgives, he loves his children. We can't be perfect. God loves me for me, and he loves you for you. Who is man to judge man, when God is the only one who may judge?
I had turned myself away from God for a very long time. I went through three, four, maybe five years of my life knowing I was gay, and thinking God hates me, and so would everyone else in the world when they found out. I hated myself for it, but realized it would never change. I just went through my life, expecting to meet fire and brimstone when I died. But, I would soon change my ways.
At the age of seventeen, the age I am now, I found myself. I got the courage to tell two of my best friends that I had met online that I was gay. My heart pounded. Would they hate me? Would they even want to talk to me? I should have known better. They liked me for me, not anything else. Admittedly, that was a big part of me, but it's just that, a part. Just one small thing that makes up Isaac. I've come out to a few people since then, and I'm proud to say that that includes my step-brother, and my best friend from school.
I began to feel okay with myself. Like I wasn't such a freak of nature. Heck, maybe I was normal. This was when I began searching. If other people could love me, maybe God could too.
First, I searched for facts. I found that 10% of the population is actually gay. Would God condemn one out of every ten of his people? Then I went to the Bible. I found this passage, from
Leviticus, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination". I thought I would die then. I couldn't believe that any God could be like this. Then I found out that this is from the same part of the Bible that says that slavery is okay, and that divorce is a crime.
Then I began to think about church. It didn't take me long to realize what the church thought. Gays are an abomination to them. But, I don't believe they are speaking the word of God. I think they are using the audience, there to listen to God's word, to meet their own selfish ends.
So then, finally, I decided if I couldn't trust the church to find God, and the Bible was too outdated to help me, that the only place I could look was within me. I did just that, and in the silence within me, something hit me, a phrase, it seemed like someone screamed it in my ear. It was loud, louder than a lot of things I've heard throughout my life. It said "God is love". Then it hit me, if God is love, he can not hate. God forgives, he loves his children. We can't be perfect. God loves me for me, and he loves you for you. Who is man to judge man, when God is the only one who may judge?
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